The burden of culture

Have you ever been nostalgic of your childhood’s festivities – aroma of food, infectious mood of joy, color and happiness in every atom of air? I am sure you do, without any doubt. Who will not love a little culture? After all isn’t this the culture that brings color in your life? But, stop picturing there, story is not all that rosy. After all there are many grisly nitty gritties hidden behind every picture-perfect nostalgic scene. Either it’s a blooming cotton field in Southern USA – Back breaking slave labor behind it, or perfectly decorated Victorian home – lots of servants and butlers behind it. You can ask why I am jumping from talking about culture to American slave or Victorian era Britain. I will tell you the similarities – each culture is nurtured and watered by labor of some downtrodden that are chained to pedestal by society by virtue of necessity of their labor. What is the picture behind a little culture of our Indian home? Do you remember your mom, your aunt or your grand mom stuck to kitchen, working like slave from dawn till dusk to sustain the atmosphere of festivity? Do you remember the villain aunt, who are just the villain because they want to enjoy festivities for themselves instead of facilitating that? A good and cultured woman is the one who readily sacrifice her own happiness, her independence and her life for people around her while the bad one (the villain) is the one who could dare to think about a little about herself and could care a little less about the children, husband, parents or in-laws (etc. etc.,).  A family where women work day and night to prepare different delicacies, decorate house and to keep each member happy in family (and their consolation prize is to see happy faces of family members, can you be more hypocrite) is the happy family, but the family where mom want to enjoy along with family by going out to celebrate are the broken families. That’s the concept of culture. Do you get a little bit of picture here? I am sure, you don’t. But I would keep trying.

The burden of upholding cultural value always falls on shoulder of women. The examples are ubiquitous. Either its attire (always enforced strictly for women), or its food, or its choices, or its festival, all has to be borne by women. All our rituals are heavily skewed towards male and largely misogynistic. Take the example of Hindu marriage – ‘Kanyadan’ (the term itself is so derogatory). Is Kanya (a girl) an object to be given as dan (donation)? Is there no difference between a Gau (Cow) and Kanya (Girl)? We have concept of Godan as well as Kanya dan. But saddest thing is that our richest model family (Ambani’s) blatantly exhibit this heinous concept in their ugly and exuberant wedding where our own Amitabh Bacchhan extol the merit of Kanyadan. Nothing could make me more ashamed as a girl to see this ritual being performed devotedly. Everything associated with Indian Culture is misogynistic to the core. The Mangalsutra is like putting a chain to girl that now you have enslaved for life. The dangling bangle and anklet is nothing but bell on a cat to know everywhere she goes. While the sindoor (Vermillion) indicates that she is property of some one (after all her parents has donated her as part of Kanyadan). Mind you, there is no symbolistic gesture or sign on a boy/male that they are married. Could there be any more glaring example of gender disparity fanned on the name of culture?

But who is going to realize this gross misjustice. You can’t expect this from a male as who will not enjoy that some one is fasting for you (Teej, Karwachauth etc etc.), or doing sringar (make-up) for you. Hell, I will enjoy all these attentions, had I been a guy. This we as a person, as a woman, need to understand. These things might just be a symbol, but symbols convey a powerful message. May be kanyadan is a 1-hour act, putting a ounce of sindoor (Vermillion), a hidden bindi might just be a symbol. But they are symbol of our oppression, they are the symbol of our weakness. We are weak, and we are dominated by other half because of those symbols.

But I do not accept that, we are not weak. We are every bit capable as any person on the earth (given the chance). We need to grab that chance and first step would be to disown these visible degrading cultural symbols. Culture are made by human and as infallible we human are, we always try to build a society where we can one can dominate others. Change is inevitable way of life on earth. Everything changes, hour, day, years, season, evolution, every aspects of life is bound change. Then why we need to preserve any archaic rule of culture. It’s not written on stone.  We can make world much better by creating our own culture. A culture that respects everyone equally, a culture that doesn’t chain any one by so called extolled virtue, a culture that let you find your own way without trying to compel you to a certain path at every point in your life. World will be a much better place for everyone when we could build such society, such culture. First step must be taken by women like us by disowning the burden of unfair culture that is placed on us by centuries of civilization.

One step to the happiness and beyond.